Letter to A Friend After a Family Suicide

Dear Friend, 

Suicide is devastating.   I wonder how you are feeling.   Are you feeling like it is your fault?  As though you could have/should have done more?  Do you feel like you did all you knew to do? Although there are new mountains to climb ahead, are you relieved to be rid of some of the dysfunction?   Are you on your knees crying?  Are you forging ahead?

I have no idea what to do for you, but hope you will tell me how I can help you and what you need.  I am far away.  Do you need me by your side now or would you prefer to have me close later?  
Perhaps, you just need time to process it all by yourself, time to snuggle your kids - to wrap them in your warmth, your "momminess" - allowing them to feel safe when you are near and allowing their hugs to fill your spirit.   

Know you are not alone.  I don't think you know, but suicide has touched my family twice.  Also,  I remember when the ambulance was at my neighbor's house one morning and running to see if I could help the kids.   If anything, I hope you do not blame yourself.  Mental illness and substance addictions are not caused by you. 

I am no psychologist, but through my experiences, I know people grieve differently at different times. One family member may have a feeling of acceptance while another is angry at the world while another is in denial.  I remember being yelled at, but I knew my family member was grieving in a different way than I was and did my best to let it roll off my back.  Allow each person to grieve in their own way - whether it's shock, denial, sadness, guilt, anger or acceptance.  Grief may crop up from time to time and no one should tell you or others how to feel, but I do know time heals.    I hope you are not afraid to seek help/support, be patient with yourself and others , be present with your feelings no matter what they are (call a friend to talk, journal etc), express yourself, have fun, and maintain a routine.  

Suicide can be a hard thing to talk about.  I'm not sure what to say or what to ask.  It has been said the stigma of suicide can be a harmful and hurtful label.  Please do not feel as though you need to hide the truth when you are with me.  I will not judge.  I will listen if you want to talk or we can just have fun and be enjoy whatever we are doing and not broach the subject.  

I am here for you.  

Your Friend

www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/find-support/find-a-support-group

http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/what-to-do/information-for-friends-and-family

http://christicenter.org/