LETTING GO OF A NEGATIVE ENCOUNTER

Twas three days before Thanksgiving when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.  The shopping was done & food put away with care, then at dinner time, the phone rang - who would dare?

We all have those times when we have good intentions but sometimes we may have an off day, step on a toe (literally or figuratively), give a bad performance as actor or in business, have a miscommunication, mess up, or handle something imperfectly.  In turn, you ruffle someone's feathers.  Sometimes you are able to talk about it and move on, sometimes you know that the person loves you, it was a bump in the road, and the two of you get mad and get over (soon or in time), and sometimes you are left with your mouth agape.

Recently, I experienced the latter.    Over the past few months, I have been getting estimates for some home repair. Initially for the fascia, but then some roof & gutter clean, some flashing, painting....  After piecemealing estimates from the different experts, one recommended an all inclusive company who would be a one stop shop. They came out, but they were the highest bid of all.   I understood they would probably be higher, because they would be managing all the moving parts, but they were about $2000 (and then $3000) higher.  They were very difficult to get on the phone, so we mostly communicated via email.  I pointedly asked if  they could come in a certain price range (and said I would hire them if they could) and shared some competitors prices (equally well respected and experienced) in hopes they would see their prices really were high.  Well, the owner didn't like that and called me to berate me, tell me I was unprofessional (My step-dad was a homebuilder but I'm not), tell me he's a Christian, donates money, has a $30K a month overhead, has generations of subs working for him and treats them well, how dare I treat him like he's a Wal-Mart - think he's going to give the lowest price, why would I waste my time getting bids, and that his employees are trained.  I honestly thought the owner was calling to answer the questions that I had emailed three times, to tell me if they could or could not do it within my budget,  and if not,  to professionally explain why.   Well, the phone call didn't go as I imagined.  Unfortunately when the patriarch called me,  I received a "schooling" and "mansplaining."     Early in the phone call, I "owned" my email, said I probably could have worded somethings a differently, and how I regretted that he thought I was telling him how to price his work.  I explained we were having a miscommunication. I hoped we would then get back on track, but he did not "hear" me.  

So, what can you do after an encounter that leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth?  

OWN YOUR PART IN IT  Do it subconsciously to yourself, or if there is an open communication,  let the other person know how you could have done somethings differently.  Learn from your mistakes and try not to make the same mistakes twice.  

TRY TO LOOK AT IT FROM THE OTHER PERSON'S PERSPECTIVE  Naturally,  WE have a tendency to see things from our own perspectives.  But think about it,  WE  is plural, so there is usually more than one perspective on things.  Consequently, if we paint ourselves into a corner and fail to see or at least recognize another’s perspective, relationship problems occur: from personal life, to work, to conflicts between religions, cultures, and nations.  

Unfortunately, the man I was dealing with was not willing to see or hear my perspective, so our communication failed.  However, I was able to see his perspective, speculate on his thoughts,  about the era of his upbringing, what he was taught (and teaches his sons) about a woman's place in this world, and the community culture we live in.  He is probably in his 70's,  his denomination of Christian probably believes women should be subservient and not question a man's authority or skill of his employees.  Additionally, we live in a seemingly affluent town, so he is probably not used to people questioning his price.

His phone call was inexcusable and certainly shed light on the company I could have given my business to, but imagining his perspective, helped me move on from the negativity of the phone call and "pray for him."     

TALK ABOUT IT WITH A TRUSTED FRIEND OR COLLEAGUE  After this phone call, I questioned myself and how I approached this bid.  Luckily while my kids were at Tae Kwan Do, I sat next to a dad who has a construction business of his own (He flips houses).  He was flabbergasted and affirmed I had every right to get bids, commended me for educating myself on prices and what needed to be done.  He said I had every right to say I would give the bid to the contractor if they were able to come in at my price range (but to be careful because they might cut corners). He suggested  if I did pay their elevated rate to be clear that I  was expecting an impeccable job by their subs and supervision on their end and reinforced not complete the payment until the job was done to my satisfaction.

USE IT AS A TEACHING MOMENT What did you learn?  What did you do right?  What could you do differently?

GIVE IT TIME  You may have the impulse to call or email the person to explain your perspective or even "to give them a piece of your mind."   But question, would this do any good?  Will it change the outcome?  If not, give it time.  For me, I may not ever forget negative incidents, but with time, I find the bitter experiences get buried and those that make me happy rise to the top (even mundane activities help).  Eventually, I stop recounting the negatives and am not affected by them anymore - i.e. healing.

MEDITATE/BE MINDFUL OF THE PRESENT    If you have a hard time letting go of the past,  I have found some great meditation links on YouTube.  If you want more information about living in the present, Eckhart Tolle, has some great books, a blog, and quotes to help you.

What are some things you do to let go of negative energy or encounters?